Brisingr: Eragon Aflame!
by Anda Faith
Summary: A parody of the beloved book Eragon by Christopher Paolini. Warning: insanity will ensue...
1. If You Go Into The Woods Today

**Author's Notes/Disclaimer:** So, this is a parody of the book Eragon by Christopher Paolini! I don't own anything you recognize at all! I just own the way that they are put together and I certainly don't own the MAIN plot - that would be Paolini's plot. The characters aren't mine... well maybe a couple, but they usually aren't living and breathing characters... So I hope you enjoy! Please review! That would be awesomeness!

_**BRISINGR: ERAGON AFLAME!**_

**Prologue: Shade of Fear**

**(If You Go Into the Woods Today)**

**Narrator**: Our story begins in the boondocks, where a Shade, by the name of Carsai –erm -_Durza_, jumped off his steed and tiptoed through with his army of Urgals. The bright pink of their 'uniform required' ballet slippers shined in the full moon as they snuck, for Urgals had a hard time with tiptoeing. They were in thick boondocks of Alagaesia on a quest for the unknown bundle of joy, Galbatorix had sent them after.

**Durza:** (glares at the Urgal next to him and gags) Bloody hell, when is the last time you _bathed_? (clears throat) All of you, spread out, far far _away_ from me…. or die. Kill anyone you see… or die. (mutters to self as Urgals move) I wish I could kill anyone I could smell….

**Narrator**: The Urgals tiptoe flamboyantly behind trees, nocking arrows, unsheathing swords, readying the can-openers, harpoons, and flyswatters for attack.

**Durza**: (glares at Urgal army muttering to self) It had to be Urgals… we couldn't use the army of pixies, could we? _No_, that would wreck the evil _mood_… so Galbatorix wanted Urgals. Bloody things will make me smell rancid for days… (puts multiple sets of 'new car scented' pine trees around neck) Ahhh – _much_ better. Love that new car smell!

**Narrator**: Three shadows approach in the distance… a faint conversation is heard.

**Owner of Shadow 1**: I suppose you could say I look at life like this… (cocks head to the side and narrows eyes)

**_Owner of Shadow 2_**: That's a laugh.

**Owner of Shadow 1**: What's a laugh?

**_Owner of Shadow 2_**: That noise you make in the back of your throat.

**Owner of Shadow 3**: Would you two _shut up_?

**Owner of Shadow 1**: Are you feeling left out, my dear, Arya?

**Owner 3/Arya**: I sense danger up ahead… you two-

**_Owners of Shadows_**: (simultaneously - rolling eyes) _Protect and serve…_ (they gallop their white steeds in front of Arya and continue on their merry way)

**Narrator**: Meanwhile, back with Durza…

**Durza**: (sees unknown bundle of joy in Arya's lap as they pass the first set of readied Urgals and sings to self) If you go into the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise… (hums it underneath breath with evil smile on his crazed face)

**Dude on steed 1**: Did you just cut the cheese?

**Dude on steed 2**: I had cheddar for lunch, Faolin. Cheese was sliced.

**Dude 1/Faolin**: I meant pass gas.

**Dude 2**: (looks around, sniffing air) Is it just me or does that smell like-

**Arya**: _Urgals_! Scatter!

**Narrator**: Aaand they're off! Faolin closing in on Dude 2, Arya brining up the rear, Faolin passed Dude 2 but - ohh! Taken down by an _Urgal_ – that's got to sting! Arya closing in on Dude 2, neck and neck. horse whinnies Who would have thought a flyswatter could stop a horse dead in it's tracks?

**Dude 2**: (Flies out of saddle, and Arya rides past, sticking out tongue, giggling)

**Durza**: (jumps out from behind a bush) _Garjzla!_ (red light jets from hand at the steed)

**Arya**: (jumps off horse, who falls to the ground dead and glares at Durza, clutching the bundle of joy)

**Durza**: (grins) I win. (he walks toward the elf)

**Arya**: (runs down the narrow path, muttering) Bloody Shades, they always ruin all the fun…

**Durza**: (starts running after her and stumbles on stick, however, he regains balance and keeps running as he glares at the Urgals) Bloody Urgals, must I do _everything_ myself!? (raises hand) _Istalri boetk!_ (a large area of the boondocks catches fire in front of Arya)

**Arya**: (skids to halt upon seeing the fire and turns around accusingly) _You_ _cheater_!

**Durza**: (stalks toward her menacingly, the leaves crunching beneath his feet and the multiple air fresheners about his neck swaying) Give me the bundle of joy!

**Narrator**: But just as Durza was about to take the bundle of joy from Arya, she muttered her own gibberish, and poof – no more bundle of joy!

**Durza**: (screams like a girl, and raises hand) Not the bundle of joy! _Garjzla_! (glares at Ugals again and kills them, then mutters to self) I told Galbatorix he should have gotten the pixies, _just_ as dangerous… but _no_, pixies aren't menacing enough – yeah, and what about that pink moat around your castle? (picks up flyswatter from dead Urgal I believe I'm going to need this in Gil'ead. drags unconscious elf to his own steed)

**Narrator**: So this chapter closes as Durza rides from the boondocks, bundle of joyless, and adurna-ing a path through the flames.

**Durza**: (sings) If you go into the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise…


	2. Discovery: Of Wilson

**Author's Note/Disclaimer:** Again, don't own - don't sue - please? Oh, please review! Enjoy!

**Chapter 1: Discovery**

**(_Of Wilson_)**

**Eragon**: (sneaks through the trampled weed grass, trying the hardest not to make the crunchy noise with his feet)

**Narrator**: Far away in the Spine, a mountainous area that no one dared to enter, save for one, the village idiot – this boy of only fourteen-

**Eragon**: (glares at sky and whispers loudly) _Fifteen_! (continues on his way, breaking a stick with his foot)

**Narrator**: Fifteen… you sure don't _look_ it! He carries with him his favourite toys, his bow and arrows. The young hunter strings his bow as he spots something….

**Eragon**: _Shhh_! (looks down at ground) Oh, _wabbit_ tracks. (strings bow and pulls out three arrows) Be _vewy, vewy_ quiet…

**Narrator**: An injured doe scampers past amongst her herd. Despite the limp, the deer is able to scamper with grace on three legs! The hunter nocks an arrow…

**Eragon**: (nocks arrow and creeps forward, aiming the arrow at the doe)

**Narrator**: The boy shoots, and sco- misses him by a hair! A _disturbance_ wracks the forest…

**The Herd of Deer**: (scatter)

**_EXPLOSION_: (**explodes) BOOM!!

**Eragon**: (whirls around and spots a shiny blue… something through the smoke and mist) What's _that_? (squints and waves hand to fan smoke away) Eww – someone burnt the popcorn…

**Narrator**: Indeed, the air was thick with the smell of burnt popcorn…

**Eragon**: (walks forward and prods blue thing with arrow, screams-)

**Narrator**: -like a girl-

**Eragon**: (-and jumps back) Hmm… moves forward and pokes blue thing with arrow a couple times making a dull tin-like ting

**Narrator**: Our young hunter likes to make sure his prey is dead by poking it to death with an arrow…

**Eragon**: (pokes once more and picks it up) What are you? Are you a – hey! I got it! You need a name, blue dude… furrows brow and sticks out bottom lip in thought I know! _Wilson_ - you will be Wilson until I trade you for food. Yes, you must be worth some companionship for Sloan! He's been lonely ever since his wife died – but I think she killed herself intentionally. I wouldn't be able to take living with him either. (starts to set up camp and sets Wilson down by his bedroll)

**Wilson**: …

**Eragon**: I hope you like Sloan Pockets, Wilson. I have cheesy hamburger, meatball, and the one's I call 'Good Morning's' - they are the breakfast kind! (sings) The best part of waking up is a Sloan Pocket in your guuut!

**Wilson**: ….

**Narrator**: And so this chapter closes as our young hunter eats his dinner with his blue thingy he had named Wilson and falls into a peaceful sleep.

**Wilson**: …

**Narrator**: (pokes Wilson with arrow)

**Wilson**: (ting)

**Narrator**: I've always wanted to do that!


	3. Palancar Valley Girl

**Author's Note: **SOOO do not own like anything... maybe the Narrator... I appreciate feedback! Review and Enjoy!

**Chapter 2: Palancar Valley Girl**

**(He's Getting Serious, Isn't He?)**

**Narrator**: We meet our young hunter and Wilson on the game trail traveling home. It was a ruthless journey, but our hunter made it through with only three bruises and getting poked in the eye _once_ with a stick…

**Eragon**: (glares at sky) Hey! It's a _bow_, not a stick.

**Narrator**: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the village idiot poked himself in the eye with his own _bow_… But, as our hunter and Wilson draw closer to home, the smell of good old fashioned home cooking and burning dogwood came from the village of Carvahall. Meaning someone :::coughHorstcough::: forgot to chop up the rest of that oak tree in the back yard….

**Eragon**: (tucks Wilson securely in bag and sighs) I guess Sloan will enjoy your company, but I'll miss you, Wilson…. walks down Carvahall's main street and into Sloan's shop

**Sloan**: (pauses from chopping up a massive pile of oregano as door _dings)_ What are _you_ doing here?

**Eragon**: I'm here for more Sloan Pockets.

**Sloan**: (laughs menacingly and hangs his chefs knife on his belt around his waist)

**Eragon**: (eyes belt with vast array of knives, wearily)

**Sloan**: The self-proclaimed 'mighty hunter' is wanting my Sloan Pockets?

**Eragon**: (in a singsong voice) I have something to trade!

**Sloan**: (pulls out a steak knife and examines it, trying to look soo _evil_!) And what would that be?

**Eragon**: Companionship!

**Sloan**: (suddenly drops knife-) _Ooowwwccchh_! (-on his foot) I hope you aren't talking about _you_!

**Eragon**: (pulls out Wilson) Meet Wilson, he like long walks in the woods, watching you get poked in the eye with objects, and being vewy vewy quiet!

**Sloan**: (glares at Wilson and digs knife out of foot) Where did you get him?

**Eragon**: The _Spine_ gave him to me! (smiles and nods)

**Sloan**: (points to door with knife) OUT! OUT! OUT! BEFORE THE STONE _BEFOULS ME WITH ITS DOOM_! _Go_, or I'll _make_ you _go_!

**Eragon**: (hugs Wilson close to him and glares)

**_Door to shop_**: (opens)

**Horst**: (enters shop) What is all the hullabaloo? I could hear you down the street Sloan – thought you right _decapitated_ yourself in here!

**Sloan**: (stares wide eyed at stone crossing two knives in front of him) Back ye devil stone!

**Eragon**: He has a name! I tried to sell you companionship and this is what I get? (a tear falls from his eye)

**Katrina**: (who walked in with Horst) Like total _coolness_! See, you'll _like_, have a friend, and Eragon _like_, so _totally_ cares! Sell him some _like_ Sloan Pockets, _totally_!

**Sloan**: I refuse to sell to that – _that_ – **_him_**!

**Horst**: (slaps money down on table) Ah-ha!?! I win, you sell to me!

**Eragon**: (gasp) Money!

**Narrator**: So now that Eragon has his Sloan Pockets… and is away from Sloan's clutches and the sharp objects belted around his waist…

**Katrina**: (skips off toward her and Sloan's house humming to herself, her pig tails swaying in the wind)

**Eragon**: (holds Wilson out to Horst) Here, as payment… I'll miss you Wilson…sniff

**Horst**: You keep your companion – the look on Sloan's face was priceless – a 'Haderac Moment' if I must say so myself!

**Eragon**: Thank you! (smiles and hugs Wilson) _Oh_, Roran wanted me to give a message to Katrina, could you tell her for me?

**Horst**: Yes – I could do that for you.

**Eragon**: Okay. (takes deep breath) Roran says, that he will be here when the caravan comes to trade, _and_ that she has the prettiest eyes _and_ mouth _and_ hair _and_ voice _and_ he likes her lots _and_ he will see her _and_ he dreams about her and she _haunts_ his dreams… sometimes he wakes up _screaming_… and he makes _weird_ noises and _yeah_ – so do you have that?

**Horst**: (stares blankly at Eragon) He's getting serious, isn't he?

**Eragon**: I think? Maybe… Well, good bye, Horst! Wilson says thank you!

**Narrator**: So Eragon rushes home to his Katrina!Obsessed cousin and Uncle Garrow, the Sloan Pockets weighing him down only slightly. He bounded up the path to his house and his Uncle opened the door.

**Garrow**: (looking mummified) Be quiet, Roran's finally _sleeping_…

**Eragon**: (stares at Garrow worriedly) Did you get hurt? Why are you bandaged?

**Garrow**: The spontaneous combustion has been acting up again…

**Eragon**: That's too bad... (they walk into the hut/house) Hey! I want you to meet someone! (pulls out Wilson) This is Wilson, _Wilson_ – meet Uncle Garrow.

**Wilson**: …

**Garrow**: You found this in the Spine?

**Eragon**: (shakes head) No, the Spine gave him to _me_! He is my friend, I think I will trade him with the caravan when they come… Good companionship is hard to come by so we will get lots of _money_ for him – uh-huh!

**Garrow**: (pats Eragon on head) You poor thing…. Well, you keep your Wilson for now.

**_Garrow's Finger: _**(spontaneously combusts)

**Garrow: (**sighs) That always happens when I eat raspberries!

**Eragon:** (blows out the finger)

**Garrow: **Thank you – well, you should be getting some sleep while Roran is sleeping...

**Narrator**: Eragon goes to his room, lovingly tucks Wilson into his bed next to him, and lays down to sleep. But suddenly, there is a disturbance…

**_Noises_**: (coming from Roran's room)

**Eragon**: (bangs on wall with his bow to shut Roran up)

**_Noises_**: (stop)

**Eragon**: Aww… better… good night, Wilson! (snore)

**Wilson**: ….

**Narrator**: So this chapter ends with-

**_Noises_**: (start up again)

**Narrator**: (bangs on wall with Eragon's bow)

**_Noises_**: (stop)

**Narrator**: This chapter ends with Eragon asleep in-

**_Noises_**: (coming from Roran's room)

**Narrator**: (shouts) What in the bloody hell are you doing in there? (bangs on wall)

**_Noises_**: (increase)

**Narrator**: (shouts over noises) That will be all for this chapter! (bangs on wall) _You sick freak!!_


	4. Dragon Tales: And Nights Aflame!

**Chapter 4: Dragon Tales**

**(And Nights Aflame)**

**A Parody By: Anda Faith**

**Eragon: (**Sings) Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday to me! Happy happy birthday! Birthday, yes, for me! Morning Wilson…

**Wilson:**...

**Narrator**: So the most annoying alarm clock (coughEragonsingingcough) wakes everyone up in the house. They gather in the kitchen for breakfast…

**Eragon**: (singing) Sixteen candles! On a-

**Roran**: (roasting Sloan Pocket over fire, glaring at Eragon) Dude, you really need to shut up, some people like to sleep till noon!

**Eragon**: _Hey_! I don't stay up making noises till all hours of the night like _someone_ I know and -(grins) - your Sloan Pocket is burning...

**Roran**: (eyes widen and he screams, blowing the smoke off the charred Sloan Pocket) It's edible… wait! (gasp) I burned _Katrina_!

**Eragon**: (horrified gasp) You did what!? (glares and points finger at him) _Murderer_!

**Roran**: (holds up Sloan Pocket) See – there's the face. Her eyes, and her mouth, and her pretty nose. Pretty _Katrina_! (hugs Sloan Pocket "Katrina") Did you give her my message?

**Eragon**: (nods) I gave it to Horst.

**Roran**: (shocked) You told Horst my innermost thoughts of Katrina? How dare you!? That was _private_!!

**Eragon**: (grumbles) I'm surprised that all of the Palancar Valley does't hear the noises you make when you '_sleep'_….

**Narrator**: Thusly, breakfast was finished, and they went to tend to the harvest…

**Eragon**: I like pickles – pickles, pickles, pickles! Yeah! Pickles and _dill_ – yes dill!!! Picking the pickles is what I do! Pickles. Pickles. _pickles_!

**Narrator**: We might not want to go into detail on what they harvested, Eragon may be determined to screech about every plant picke-

**Eragon**: Gourds! Gourds! Lovely, loverly gourds!

**Narrator**: _Would you shut up!?_

**Roran** **and Eragon**: It's _barley_ _time_! Every body _conga_! (Eragon steps on a rake and falls flat on his back)

**Roran**: (points and laughs)

**Narrator**: We were lucky to harvest it all before the first frost… actually we didn't _harvest_ it _all_ since Garrow-

**Garrow**: (foot catches aflame in an act of spontaneous combustion)

**_Barley Field_**: (_Fire!!!)_

_**A Minute Later….**_

**_Barley Field_**: (Charred and Black)

**Narrator**: So ends the harvest, nine days later. It was nine days of _pure_ _torture_, nine days of _dancing_, nine days of Eragon's prattle – nine days of _hell_…

**Eragon:** (excitedly) Caravan a commin'! (jumps up and down) Woohoo!

**Narrator**: Yes, the caravan had finally reached Carvahall, so they packed up their surplus items and Wilson to trade/sell to the caravan….

**Roran**: Why do I have to haul the wagon?

**Garrow**: (pats him on the head) Just think about Katrina and we'll be there in no time… We have to save the horse!

**_Garrow's_** **_eyebrows_**: (spontaneously combust and fall off)

**Garrow**: (sigh) I need to find a doctor who specializes in spontaneous combustion….

**Eragon**: (to Wilson) Now, I know we had a fun time together, but I must sell you. I _must_! I'm really sorry if you don't want to go.

**Wilson**: …

**Narrator**: And so they travel to the village, Roran miles ahead with the wagon and Garrow bringing up the rear. Actually, his rear was on fire...

**Garrow:** (Running past Roran screaming)

**Eragon: (**shouts) Stop drop and roll! Duh!

**Narrator:** Eventually, they made it to town. Carvahall was alive with excitement and _danger_! Children were running in the street with scissors! Men running next to them with their hedge clippers! Garrow's hair turned into a light show! **Brom** and his _singing_!

**Brom**: (singing) Yooow! I know they slayed my stupid beast! I exacted my revenge! So now I got your sword! And you have met your end!! Oh, yes, I! I will survive! As long as I know how to ride – I know I'll stay alive!

**Narrator**: (shakes head) I'll almost take '_musings of a pickle_' over that… back at the ranc- I mean, back with Garrow and Eragon…

**Garrow and Eragon**: (knock on the tent flap of the jeweler's tent, then enter)

**_Tent_** **_Flap_**: (swishes)

**Merlock**: You _rang_?

**Eragon**: _Ding_! Yes, we did! (smiles widely)

**Garrow**: (narrows eyes) We have something you might want to look at… (This expression looks very strange because Garrow has no eyebrows or hair)

**Eragon**: (pulls out Wilson) Companionship! Meet Wil-

**Garrow**: (slaps hand over Eragon's mouth and whispers) We're thinking of getting him _help_….

**Eragon**: (muffled) Eeew! Your hand tastes like a burnt Hawt Pocket!

**Merlock**: (eyes Wilson) OOOOH! Preeety! Let me see! (grabs Wilson and pokes him with a knife) Not living, eh?

**Wilson**: (ting)

**Merlock**: Oh, you're hollow! But I don't think I would buy him – I'm in no need of a companion.

**Eragon**: Yay! (swipes Wilson out of Merlock's hands and hugs Wilson)

**Garrow**: (starts the tent on fire)

**Narrator**: And this chapter ends in a blazing…

**Roran and Katrina**: (heated embrace)

**Narrator**: Get the hell away from the burning tent you two! (throws water on them instead of the fire)

**Eragon**, **Garrow**, **and** **Merlock**: (emerge from the smoking tent flap, slightly burnt)

**Garrow:** (suffering most of the damage)

**_Tent_**: (burnt to the ground)

**Narrator**: And so this chapter ends… (pours water on fire)

**_Flames_**: (hiss)

**Roran and Katrina: (**still embracing)

**Narrator**: I **_said_** it _ends_! (douses the 'love birds' with copious amounts of water)

**Katrina**: _Oh, my god!_ Like - my _hair_!

**Roran: **Pretty Katrina hair!


	5. Fate's Gift: I Hope It's Money!

**Author's Note/Disclaimer:** Thank you thank you thank you! So much! To all my reviewers and my readers! You guys are awesome! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Please review! Enjoy again!

**Chapter 5: Fate's Gift**

**(I hope it's money!)**

**Eragon**: Bangy bangy goes little Wilson, won't you open, my dear Wilson? (bangs on Wilson with hammer) Open up and show what's inside!

**Wilson**: (ting)

**Eragon**: Are you my wuddle piggy bank ? (bang) (bang)

**Wilson**: (ting)

**Eragon**: (bang) I hope it's money!

**Narrator**: Pathetic… corrupted and greedy at such a young age. A mere boy of thre-

**Eragon**: (stops banging) Sixteen now! HA! (bang)

**Wilson**: (ting)

**Narrator**: Sixteen… (shakes head) Well, after hours of banging on Wilson….

**_Wall:_** (knock) (knock) (knock)

**Eragon**: Shut up, Roran, can't I make weird noises too? (bangs on Wilson one last time)

**Wilson**: (ting)

**Eragon**: He gets to have all the fun… (puts tools on shelf and tucks Wilson into his bed) Nighty night, Wilson! (snore)

**Narrator**: He falls asleep fast – he must be bordering on necrophilia… but suddenly, a _disturbance_…

**Wilson**: (squeak)

**Eragon**: (opens eyes and stares at Wilson) Did you say something, Wilson?

**Wilson**: (chirp)

**Eragon**: (gasp) Your first word!

**Wilson**: (wobbles)

**Eragon**: (peers closer)

**Wilson**: (cracks)

**Eragon**: (gasp)

**_Noises_**: (coming from Roran's room)

**Eragon**: (picks up bow and bangs on wall, still staring at Wilson wide eyed)

**_Noises:_** (cease)

**Wilson**: (cracks more)

**Eragon**: (stares, holding bow in hands protectively and feeling a bit scared) I didn't know money made noise…

**Wilson**: (wobbles and cracks open - a _thing_ flops out)

**Eragon**: (screams)

**Narrator**: Like a girl…

**_Wall_**: (knock) (knock) (knock)

**_Roran's voice_**: Now it's your turn to _shut_ _up_!

**Narrator**: (snatches Eragon's bow from his hands and bangs on wall) _**You** shut up!_ End of chapter!


	6. Awakening: The Lawn Ornaments

**Author's Note/Disclaimer: **Oh thank you all so much! All my readers and all the reviewers! You guys are awesome! I really hope you enjoy this one, it was very fun to write. As usual, I own barely anything...

**Chapter 6: Awakening**

**(The Lawn Ornaments)**

**Eragon**: (stares)

**Thingy Formerly Known As Wilson**: (stares back)

**Eragon**: (whispers) You're a dragon…. A _little_ dragon!

**Dragon**: (stares)

**Eragon**: (reaches hand forward cautiously and pets it's head)

**_Icy Energy_**: (surges into hand)

**_Iron clang_**: (fills ears)

**Eragon**: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-OOOOOOWWWWWCCHHHH!

**Dragon**: (stares)

**Eragon**: (clutches hand) YOU BURNED ME!

**_Wall_**: (Bang) (Bang) (Bang)

**_Roran's voice_**: _Don't make me come in there!_

**Eragon**: (glares at wall) (sticks out tongue) (glances back at Dragon apprehensively) Do you promise not to burn me again?

**Dragon**: (stares)

**Eragon**: (reaches forward and pets its head) Are you hungry?

**Dragon**: (reedy wail)

**Eragon**: (reaches underneath pillow) Now, don't tell Garrow that I stole his Palancar Valley Girl cookies… but they're really good. Everyone likes these - here you go. (tosses cookie to Dragon)

**Narrator**: After the midnight snack, they settle into bed and sleep through the night. The next day, Eragon sets out to build a shelter to hide the Dragon in the woods…. For he was selfish and didn't want to share his companion! He reads the instructions carefully…

**Eragon**: So…. The poles with the red dots, line up with the poles of the blue dots, and the yellow go with the green dots! Hey, this is easy! (smiles widely and sets up poles)

**_Shelter Tarp: (_**attack Eragon)

**Eragon: (**untangles self from the tarp)

**Dragon**: (stares with smirk on its face)

**_Shelter Tarp: (_**defeated)

**Eragon: (**sigh) There we go!

**Dragon**: (sighs)

**Eragon**: (picks up Dragon and puts him into the shelter) Home sweet home!

**Dragon**: (glares at its surroundings)

**Eragon**: Oh! I forgot! (takes a pink flamingo out of his bag) Here's your lawn ornament! Garrow would notice if any of his gnomes were missing, but he has hundreds of these! (pokes it into the ground in front of shelter)

**Dragon**: (CHOMP)

**_Flamingo_**: (headless)

**Eragon**: (stars at Dragon) Was it yummy?

**Dragon**: (licks lips)

**Narrator**: So later at supper…

**Eragon**: (roasting pink flamingo over the fire)

**Garrow**: Hey – what do you think you're doing? (pulls flamingo out of fire and blows on it) That was _Meredith_ you were burning….

**_Pink Flamingo's head_**: (smoking) (charred) (melted) (_so_ smelly)

Eragon: (pouts) You told me to make dinner!!!

**Garrow**: (points finger at Eragon) Bad Eragon! Don't you ever do that again!

**_Garrow's finger_**: (spontaneously combusts)

**Eragon**: (blows out finger)

**Roran**: Mmmmm… do I smell chicken?

**Narrator**: After weeks of taking care of the Dragon, who seemed to be living fine off of Palancar Valley Girl Cookies and flamingo lawn ornaments, Eragon decided that he would go to town with Roran – '_why'_, you ask?

**Roran**: _MUST_! _REPAIR_! _CHISEL_!

**Eragon**: Obviously the code for 'need to see Katrina'…

**Roran**: (defensively) Nooo! The chisel is _broken_!

**_Iron Chisel_**: (cracked in half)

**Eragon**: And ironically, the only place that you can get it fixed is were Katrina lives – you're wrecking stuff just to see her! (snorts in disbelief) The donkey stepped on it, _my ass_…

**Roran**: (looks as if he is having an inner fight with self) (twitches) _Fine_! It was _meeeee_!

**Eragon**: Ah-hah! The oldest trick in the book, eh? _Break_ the hammer, _eh_?

**Roran**: (looks confused) It's a chisel…?

**Eragon**: Oh – what happened to the hammer?

**Roran**: MUST! REPAIR! CHISEL!

**Eragon**: Alright, alright – give me a second…

**Narrator**: So Eragon rushes to the Dragon to say goodbye….

**Eragon**: (brandishes pink flamingo in front of him) Come and get it! Fresh plastic! Yummy! Yummy! (bangs flamingo on nearby tree)

**Dragon**: (CHOMP)

**_Flamingo_**: (decapitated)

**Eragon**: Good, Dragon. (pats it on head) Now, I'm going to go to town with Roran, I'll be back soon. You'll be okay?

**Dragon**: (hiccup) Eragon.

**Eragon**: (gapes)

**Dragon**: Eragon.

**Eragon**: (stare)

**Dragon**: Eragon.

**Eragon**: (screams and runs)

**Narrator:** _Like a girl…_

**Dragon**: Eragon!

**Eragon**: (trips on lawn gnome in back yard)

**_Lawn Gnome_**: (sooo broken)

**Dragon**: Eragon.

**Eragon**: AAAHHHHHHH!!!! (truly terrified)

**Garrow**: My _lawn_ _gnome_! (rushes to it's side and picks up pieces) You killed _Lord_ _Vixen_….

**_Garrow's Hands_**: (spontaneously combust)

**_Pieces of Gnome_**: (burst into flames)

**Garrow**: (bursts into tears)

**Roran**: MUST! REPAIR! CHISEL!

**_Chisel_**: (in need of repair!)

**Narrator**: (stares at the drama/horror/utter chaos) I believe that is all- (trips on pink flamingo) -for this chapter…

**_Pink Flamingo_**: (_soo_ bent)


	7. Tea For Two: WITH SUGAR!

**Author's Note: **You guys are so awesome! Thank you all who are reading this and to all of my reviewers - you guys rock! Please review and enjoy!

**Chapter 6: Tea For Two**

**(WITH SUGAR!)**

A Parody By: Anda Faith

**Narrator**: Immediately as our "young hunter" and "Katrina stalker" got to Carvahall, they parted and went their separate ways….

**Roran**: FIX! MY! CHISEL! (he runs toward Horst's smith shop, then veers off, heading in the direction of Katrina's house)

**Eragon**: (shakes head and sighs)

**Narrator**: So our proud young hunter walks to the village karaoke singer, who also tells tales for a living…

**_Brom's House_**: (In shambles, and is very tiny)

**Narrator**: Obviously he doesn't get paid much…

**Eragon**: (knocks on door)

**Brom**: Don't want any!

**Eragon**: (persistent)

**Brom**: (sings) I hear you knocking but you can't come in!

**Eragon**: (opens door) I just need to ask you a question!

**Brom**: I don't know how to fix a chisel – okay?

**Eragon**: Oh, (shuts door)

**_Door_**: (bang) (is shut)

**Eragon**: Roran – he, uh – had a conniption.

**Brom**: (raises eyebrow) What do you want, boy? (broody stare)

**_Pipe Hanging From His Mouth_**: (smokes like a train)

**Brom**: (stuffs more tobacco into pipe)

**_Pipe_**: (_soo_ smoky)

**_House_**: (fills with smoke)

**Eragon**: (cough) I need to- (cough) -ask a few questions. About Dragons…

**Brom**: (sets kettle on fire) Yeah, I know all about Dragons – many a tale – many a tale! Do you like coffee or tea?

**Eragon**: Tea… as long as there is lots and lots and lots of sugar!!!!!!! (starts shaking at the thought of sugar)

**Brom**: I think of coffee the same way – sit down. (pours cup of coffee) Oh, yeah, we were on Dragons, eh? I know about the Riders….

**Eragon**: I've heard of those… (looks around)

**_DISCOVERY!_**: (rickety chair)

**Eragon: **(sits)

**_Chair_**: (soo rickety)

**Brom**: (downs coffee) Dragons are _fun_ – when you ride them, it's like the wind blowing through your hair – and (sings) I'm born to be wild! Get your dragon running – fly out on the sky way! Looking for adventure! (smokes pipe)

**_Pipe_**: (smoky)(smoky)

**Eragon**: (gapes) So the Rider's exist? Not just in myths?

**Brom**: (pours second cup of coffee) Yep! They used to!

**Eragon**: (excited) And you were one?!

**Brom**: (smokes pipe) Did I say that?

**_Pipe_**: (really smokin' now!)

**Eragon**: (gives confused look)

**_Tea Kettle_**: (whistles) (screams) (smokes slightly)

**_Fire_**: (licks bottom of tea kettle)

**Brom**: Ohh – your tea is ready. (pours tea) (hands over the jar of sugar) Be careful – it's potent… (re-stuffs pipe with tobacco)

**_Pipe_**: (so very somkey!)

**Eragon**: (pours sugar into tea)

**_Sugar jar_**: (empty)

**Brom**: (stares) Now, as I was saying about the elves-

**Eragon**: There are _elves_?! Where did they come from?!

**Brom**: I have no clue – but there was an elf called Eragon… (very vague)

**Eragon**: (glares) He stole my name!! (downs tea) (scalds tongue) Hatcha!!! (pushes past pain) Good good good!

**Brom**: (smokes pipe) Yes, he was a Dragon rider…

**_Pipe_**: (smoky)

**Eragon**: Yay – what did he name the Dragon? Harold? Wilson? _Tell me he named it Wilson!!!_ (he smiles so wide – his face looks in pain)

**Brom**: (shakes head) No – there was never a Dragon named Wilson – he named it Bid'Daum! Anymore questions? (smokes pipe)

**_Pipe_**: (smoking strong)

**Eragon**: (thinks) What does Eragon mean – like the elfin meaning of it – cause Roran keeps telling me Eragon means 'village idiot' in our language.

**Brom**: (nods) (downs more coffee) (pours another cup) It's such an old name-

**Eragon**: I'm sixteen! HA! Not OLD!

**Brom**: (rolls eyes) You don't look sixteen… (smokes) Any more questions?

**Eragon**: Ummm – I heard the dragons scales are really pretty and is it possible for a Rider to hear a Dragon's thoughts? I mean like call if it calls your name and stuff?

**Brom**: (gapes) Are you hallucinating, boy?

**Eragon**: (shrugs) No – maybe – Garrow's going to get me help but - ummm… do Dragons live long?

**Brom**: As long as their rider is alive – and that's a long time because they can live for damn near FOR-EV-ER – magic is freaky like that…. (smokes)

**_Pipe_**: (_oh_, _yeah_, soo _smoky)_

**Eragon**: (smiles) Cool! Have you ever seen a Dragon?

**Brom**: (shocked) I'm not THAT OLD!

**Eragon**: (snorts and mutters)_ You look it_… ummm – what were the names of the Dragons? Do you know?

**Brom**: (downs coffee) Yes, yes, yes - I do I do! Names... Jura – Hirador – Fundor-

**Eragon**: FUN! Woohoo!

**Brom**: No – Fun_DOR_ – then there was Briam, Ohen the Strong, Puff the Magical, Roslarb, and _Saphira_… that about sums it up… Is that all you wanted?

**Eragon**: (nods) Yep! I better go pull Roran away from Katrina so we can get that chisel fixed… Garrow would probably blow up if we didn't.

**Brom**: (smokes) Garrow wouldn't blow up… he's not like that. He's a very nice man.

**_Pipe_**: (smokes in agreement)

**Eragon**: (shakes head) No, _really_, when Garrow gets mad, he _literally_ blows up! (eyes widen) I better go!

**Brom**: You better… (smokes)

**_Pipe_**: (smoke signal) Goodbye!

**Eragon**: (walks out of shack, dazed from inhaling all that smoke) (blinks) (coughs when normal air enters lungs) (blinks) (suddenly sugar-rush hits) CHISEL! CHISEL! CHISEL! GOT! TO! FIX! CHISEL! (burst of energy) (sprints toward Carvahall)

**Narrator**: That will be all for this chapter… (Stares at Eragon, then looks at Brom's house curiously)

**_Brom's door_**: (ajar)(emits smoke)

**Narrator**: (peers inside house) (sneaks in) (sits on rickety chair)

**_Chair_**: (rickety)

**Narrator**: (coughs and waves hand to clear away smoke) So, what did the villagers say at the last meeting? Hmmmm?

**Brom**: (rolls eyes and looks guilty) Never feed Eragon sugar…


	8. A Name of Power: Chicks Dig Battle Scars

**Author Notes: **Thank you guys so much! You all are awesome and I realy hope you like this one, umm - I don't own Puff the Magical Dragon, but I wish I did nor do I own the phrase: Chicks dig battle scars... Please review and enjoy!!

**Chapter 7: A Name Of Power**

**(Chicks Dig Battle Scars)**

**A Parody By: Anda Faith**

**Narrator**: So we meet our two idio- I mean - two farmboy's on the trail home…

**Roran**: I got a job! I got a job! I met a guy named Dempton and I got a job! (dancing around the road with **fixed** chisel in hand)

**Eragon**: A job? (gapes angrily) But you're a _mere_ farmboy!

**Roran**: (shakes head) I want to be a miller! Millers get to make flour and grind and smash stuff! And---- psst, come closer… (motions Eragon to come closer with hand)

**Eragon**: (leans toward him in anticipation of what Roran is going to say)

**Roran**: THEY HAVE REALLY NEAT BATTLE SCARS!!!!

**Eragon**: (jumps back, shaking out the ringing in his ears) Sounds dangerous – _battle_ scars?

**Roran**: (winks) Chicks dig battle scars!

**Eragon**: (rolls eyes)

**Roran**: And Katrina likes her men _macho_! And millers are macho, macho men! Yeah – and they make MONEY too!!!

**Eragon**: (excited) Money!?! (smiles) (Ponders this for a moment) (adopts curious gaze) Why do you need money? I hunt, and we trade our PICKLES! We have plenty-

**Roran**: (looks possessive) It'll be _my_ money! I want to marry Katrina! And I can't marry her without money and a house!

**Eragon**: (rolls eyes and grumbles) Katrina's such a gold-digger…

**Narrator**: Back at the ranc- I mean _farm_, Eragon went to see the Dragon – he approaches cautiously…

**Eragon**: (tromps through field of decapitated pink flamingos) (trips) (lands on multiple flamingos)

**_Flamingos_**: (_ATTACK_!) (decapitatedly so)

**Eragon**: (untangles from pile of flamingos)

**_Flamingos_**: (squished to death)

**Eragon**: (peers around tree) Dragon? (brandishes fresh pink flamingo in protection) Are you there?

**Dragon**: Eragon! (CHOMP)

**_Flamingo_**: (soo decapitated)

**Eragon**: (pets Dragon) So, you do talk… is that the only word you know?

**Dragon**: Yes. (stares)

**Eragon**: (rolls eyes) Har. Har. Very sarcastic, mister… you need a name… (face brightens) Oh! Let's play "name the dragon"! (sits on log and thinks)

**Dragon**: (stares wide eyed)

**Eragon**: What do you think of Vanilor?

**Dragon**: (shakes head) No. _Eragon_.

**Eragon**: This village ain't big enough for two of us!

**_Village_**: (soo not big enough for the two of them)

**Eragon**: (nods) See - Eragon is _my_ name and you can't have it! (smirks triumphantly) How about Ingothold – I bet he was lovely Dragon.

**Dragon**: (scowls)

**_IDEA!_**: (hits him)

**Eragon**: (excitedly) Are you _Wilson_?

**Dragon**: (shakes head and bats eyelashes)

**Eragon**: Oh… (sullen frown)

**_REVELATION: _**(makes Eragon gasp)

**Eragon**: You're a _girl_! Wow! And to think I almost named you _Wilson? _That would make you Wilma…

**Dragon**: (rolls eyes)

**Eragon**: (scratches head in thought) Well, there was Puff, but I think that Puff was male… (thinks hard)

**_Eragon's Brain:_** (wheels turning) (gears clicking) (screeching) (slightly smoking…)

**_Little Gnomes Controlling Eragon's Brain:_** (working soo hard)

**Eragon**: (gasp) Are you Saphira?

**Saphira**: (flaps wings and jumps up and down) Yes!

**Narrator**: (trips over pink flamingo) Damnit, Garrow! Your obsession with flamingos has gone **_way_** too far! (sighs) (ahem) End chapter….


	9. A Miller To Be: Ransack the House!

**Author's Note: **You all are so great! Thank you all for your reviews, without them, this story couldn't be possible - they fuel my insanity! Here's another chapter, I really hope you like it! Please review and enjoy!

**A Miller-To-Be**

**(Ransack the House!)**

**A Parody By: Anda Faith**

**Narrator**: Later that night, at dinner…

**Roran**: I got a job!! (accidentally flings fork out of hand)

**_Wall_**: (feels the forks wrath)

**Garrow**: (doubtful look) What imbecile would hire _you_?

**Roran**: Oh! Dempton is not from here – he's from Therinsford. I get to be a miller! (does his special miller dance)

**Eragon**: (digs fork out of wall) Just because you want the battle scars….

**Roran**: (ceases special miller dance) YES! I! WANT! BATTLE! SCAR! (snatches fork from Eragon)

**Garrow**: So when do you leave? (sounding very excited)

**Roran**: Two weeks! Two weeks until BATTLE SCAR!

**Garrow**: (mumbles) Two weeks until a good night's rest… GOOD!

**Eragon**: (claps hands) I call to do the dishes!!!

**Garrow**: You just want to eat the soap bubbles!

**Narrator**: The next two weeks were very hard. With the impending sadness or elatedness of Roran leaving, the house was starting to feel empty and he wasn't even gone yet…

**_House_**: (nearly empty)

**_Wagon_**: (very overloaded)

**Roran**: (packing everything in sight) There, that should be enough!

**Garrow**: You're only going to be gone for a few months – give me my furniture back!!!!

**_Furniture_**: (dragged by Garrow off the wagon)

**_Garrow's_** **_Hands_**: (spontaneously combust)

**_Furniture_**: (_FIRE!)_

**Roran**: (smirks) I guess you can have it now. (pulls out sheet of paper) So lets go through my check list!

**Garrow**: (in the midst of stop, drop, and roll)

**Eragon**: (just walked out of the house) (sits on furniture)

**_Furniture_**: (charred) (smoky) (smoky)

**Roran**: (observes wagon) Rock collection. Check. Bedroll. Check. CHISEL! Check. Kitchen sink and soap. Check.

**Garrow**: No, you _can't_ have that! (takes sink from wagon)

**Roran**: (glares) (grabs soap) The _soap_ is _mine_! **Check**. Pillow. Check. Blanket. Check Lawn Ornament. (regards lawn ornament with big smile)

**_Lawn_** **_Ornament_**: (decapitated pink flamingo)

**Roran**: _Check_! Let's see… My 'I love Katrina' tunic. So very check! And since you took all of the furniture and burned it, I can't check that off. (fleeting bitter stare) Oh, yes and my hammer. Check!

**Eragon**: (curiously) What do you need the hammer, chisel, and soap for?

**Roran**: _Important_ reasons!

**Garrow**: (clears throat)

**_Garrow's_** **_Mouth_**: (emits smoke)

**Garrow**: Well, I guess this is goodbye! (smiles widely)

**Eragon**: Woohoo!

**_Charred_** **_Furniture_**: (big collapse)

**Eragon**: (falls) (quickly gets to feet) Bye Roran!

**Garrow**: We will miss you terribly! And I hope you enjoy Therinsford!

**Roran**: (waves and starts skipping next to the horse drawn wagon) (sings) Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to work I go!!!

**Eragon**: (whispers to Garrow) They won't enjoy _him_ that much. Therinsford will never get a wink of sleep….

**Garrow**: You should at least tag along to make sure he makes it to Carvahall safely…

**Eragon**: (sighs) If you insist.

**Narrator**: So our mere farmboy Roran leaves for an adventure of battle scars and making baking ingredients… with Eragon following far behind him to make sure he gets to Carvahall.(sits on charred furniture) End chapter!

**_Furniture_**: (breaks)

**Narrator**: (flat on back)


	10. Kind of Gangly Lookin'

**_Author's note: _** Thank you all so very much! Everyone who reviewed and everyone who is reading this. You guys are so awesome! Thank you! Here's another chapter! Enjoy and please review!

**Strangers in Carvahall**

**(Kind Of Gangly Lookin'…)**

A Parody By: Anda Faith

**Dempton**: Hey, you! **_Chisel_** _Boy_!

**Roran**: (smiles widely) That's my new boss!

**Narrator**: So Roran and Eragon meet with Dempton…

**Dempton**: (wags eyebrows) Ready for the battle scars?

**Roran**: Can't wait! (tries to look manly and fails) (ends up looking pitiful)

**Eragon**: (rolls eyes) Well, goodbye then! (slaps his cousin on the back)

**Narrator**: So they leave… and Horst has a few choice words to say to Eragon…

**Horst**: Hey – pssst, Eragon… (beckons him to come closer)

**Eragon**: (approaches cautiously) What?

**Horst**: There are some strangers in town lookin' for ya – black cloaks, big swords, kind of gangly looking … (nods) (his eyes widen) They were mighty interested in Wilson.

**Eragon**: (horrified) They can't have _Wilson_!

**Horst**: (peers around out of the corners of his eyes) I know, but if I were you I would throw Wilson in the nearest stream, these fellows are up to no good… (haunted grin)

**Eragon**: (nods) Good idea. (slinks through the streets of Carvahall)

**_Streets of Carvahall_**: (soo shadowy)

**_Noises: _**(Coming from Sloan's butcher shop)

**Eragon**: (follows noise)

**_Sloan's_** **_Voice_**: (blubbering) About three months ago… Sloan Pockets… Wilson…..

**Eragon**: (eyes widen)

**_Stranger's_ _Voices_**: You have been verrry cooperative – till we meet again, sssstranger…. (they emerge from butcher shop)

**_Door:_ **(ding!)

**_Stranger's Black Cloaks: _**(swishy in the wind) (give of an aura of danger)

**Eragon**: (in mortal fear) (backs away from creepy looking strangers) (fights urge to scream)

**Narrator**: _Like a girl…_ (anticipates moment) Wait for it….

**Strangers** (stalk toward Eragon)

**Brom**: Eragon!

**Strangers**: (Flee)

**Narrator**: (glares at Brom muttering) Damn you…

**Eragon**: (collapses into a sweaty heap)

**Brom**: (pulls him up) Are you alright, boy?

**Eragon**: (nods) (eyes still wide)

**Brom**: I'll escort you to the road, maybe you just need a good walk home to make you feel better. I don't have any emergency sugar on hand… (digs through pockets) Aha! (pulls out sugar packet)

**Eragon**: (perks up and snatches sugar packet from Brom) Oh - yummy! (pours sugar into mouth) Better…

**Brom**: (grabs Eragon's hand and wrenches sugar packet out of it)

**_Sugar_** **_Packet_**: (empty)

**_Silvery_** **_Mark_**: (on Eragon's hand)

**_Broms_** **_Eyes_**: (glint) (glint) (glinty)

**Eragon**: (sugar rush hits) Woohoo! _Goodbye_! ( yanks hand out of Broms grasp and runs down the road)

**Narrator**: That would be all for this chapter!

**Brom**: (turns back toward Carvahall) (whistles merry tune)

**Narrator**: (runs after Brom) You idiot! (socks him on the arm) I could have sworn he was gonna to scream…


	11. Flight of Destiny: I CAN'T WALK!

**_Author's Note:_** Thank you to all my reviewers: **jimmy-barnes-13, Drowning The Flame, Dark S3cret, Cheesey Goodness, Always The Forgotten One, If.life.means.nothing.then.die, crossbear, Midnight4eva, Du.Sundavar.Brisingr, Mrowrkat98, LittleKittyShaoMao, MidnightsBloodCoveredThorn, HollyandMisltoe**, and **Jahera**. You guys are awesome! And thank you to my readers, you guys are great too! I hope you enjoy this – sorry it's short, but I'll try to update soon! Please review?

**---**

**Chapter 10: Flight of Destiny**

**(I CAN'T WALK!)**

**Narrator**: So Eragon ran home as fast as his feet could carry him….

**_Eragon's_** **_Feet_**: (starting to burn)

**Eragon**: (stops) (stares at Garrow)

**Garrow**: (putting sweaters on his lawn gnomes) Hello, Lady Sebastian… this should keep you warm…

**Eragon**: (stares at forest) (ponders) (says with mind) _Should I tell Garrow about Wilson being Saphira? Ummmm…**no**… SAPHIRA! _

**Eragon**: (runs at woods) (tromps successfully over decapitated lawn ornaments)

**_Lawn_** **_Ornaments_**: (do not attack because they know the seriousness of the situation)

**_Situation_**: (_SOO_ SERIOUS!)

**Eragon**: (yells with mind) _SAPHIRA!_

**Saphira**: _What do **you** want?_

**Eragon**: (says with mind) _Gangly people in Carvahall! Black cloaks, **big** knifes, Sloan Pockets! AHH! _

**Saphira**: _AHHH!_ _Get on!_

**Eragon**: (with mind) _What?_ (stares confusedly)

**Narrator**: A couple packets of sugar and a back rub later…

**Eragon**: (sitting on Saphira's back) I really should warn Garrow about these strange…. AHHHHH!!!

**Saphira**: (suddenly takes flight)

**_Ground_**: (drops away beneath them)

**Eragon**: AHHHHHH!!!!!!

**Saphira**: (smirk)

**Eragon**: But what about Garrow…?

**Saphira**: (dives quickly) (then flies higher)

**Eragon**: (screams)

**Narrator**: (smiles delightfully) _Like a girl!_

**Saphira**: (lands gracefully) (folds wings)

**Eragon**: (shaking head) (having conniption) Get me **off** of this _thing_!

**Saphira**: _Open your eyes, idiot…_

**Eragon**: (opens eyes and looks around) Hey, we landed!

**Saphira**: (rolls eyes) _Duh_…

**Eragon**: (slides off Saphira's back)

**_Eragon's_** **_Knees_**: (buckle)

**Eragon**: OOOOWWWWCCCCHHHH!!! (falls to the ground)

**Saphira**: (nudges him)

**Eragon**: (points) You hurt my legs! (peels off pants)

**_Eragon's_** **_Pants_**: (bloody)

**Saphira**: _I didn't take you up here to prance around **naked**…_

**Eragon**: (glares) (puts pants back on) Ow, then why did you bring me up here?

**Saphira**: (smug look) _To protect you. _

**Eragon**: (glares) (shivers) It's cold, and I'm hurt and Garrow has all the bandages at home… I CAN'T _WALK_! (tries to stand up, but fails)

**_Eragon's_** **_Butt_**: (soo bruised)

**Saphira**: (clears snow away with tail) (drags Eragon to clearing)

**Eragon**: Hey! I didn't ask you to drag me! (shivers) I hate the cold… and I'm starving… and (yawn) tired…

**Saphira**: _Sleep now, I'll fly you back in the morning…_(covers Eragon with wing)

**Eragon**: (beats on wing) Catch me food while you're out there! It's your fault I'm up here!

**Saphira: **_I thought I told you to go to SLEEP!!_

**Eragon:** (grumble) (grumble) (snore)

**Narrator**: I swear he's a necrophiliac… End chapter! (glances around) (makes snowball)

**Saphira**: (glares) _Don't even think about it…_


	12. This place needs a good springcleaning…

**_Author's Note:_** Thank you all so much to my reviewers: **Crossbear, Oddwen Floddball, Cheesey Goodness, IxPokexYou, Battleground Heart, jimmy-barnes-13, Du.Sundavar.Brisingr, DarkS3cret, Always the Forgotten One, If.life.means.nothing.then.die, Midnight4eva, Mrowrkat98, Jahera, MidnightsBloodCoveredThorn, **and** HollyandMisletoe**! You guys are great! And thank you as well to all who are reading! Here is another chapter – I hope you enjoy! Please review!

**---**

**The Doom of Innocence**

**(This place needs a good spring-cleaning…)**

**---**

**Eragon**: HEY! WAKE UP!

**Saphira**: (lifts wing) _I was having a nice dream…_

**Eragon**: (glares) I was suffocating! And now I'm just plain ol' hungry! (tries to get up) Ow!

**_DISCOVERY!:_** (stick)

**Eragon**: _AH_ _HAA_! (picks up stick) (uses it as a crutch) Hey… (stares at deer scampering by)

**Deer: **(wags eyebrows) (_scamper_!!)

**Eragon**: …this is the place I hunt… (sniffs air) Still smells like burnt popcorn… What I wouldn't GIVE for some burnt popcorn right now!

**Saphira**: (rolls eyes) _Stop being so dramatic. Hop on, I'll bring you home…_

**Eragon**: (rips off shirt)

**Saphira**: _What did I say about nudity last night? Hmmm?_

**Eragon**: I like the healthy breeze, it's quite liberating... (stuffs ripped pieces of shirt into pants)

**_Ripped Pieces of Shirt_**: (protect wounds)

**Eragon**: And besides, you're the one who hurt _me_! (accusing stare) (climbs on Saphira's back)

**Saphira**: _Wool chafes, that's not my problem…_ (flaps wings)

**Narrator**: And she's off! Saphira dives up and down, around a tree, over a hill, and through the woods! To Garrow's house she goes…

**Eragon**: (in pain)

**_Blood_**: (trickling down his calves)

**Eragon**: (shouts) LAND HO!

**Saphira**: (peers back at Eragon) (confused stare) _Land **where**?_

**Eragon**: In the fields!! (points) (spots the farm) (eyes widen) _GASP_!!

**_Garrow's_** **_House_**: (blown to smithereens)

**_The_** **_Roof_**: (strewn across wide area)

**_Lawn_** **_Ornaments_**: (ALL _SOO_ DECAPITATED) (scattered everywhere)

**Eragon**: (falls off Saphira) (winces) Ow-ow-ow-ow! (stumbles over gnome head) OWWWIIEEEEE!!!! **_Uncle_**!! (tries as hard as possible to run to house) (ends up limping pitifully)

**Saphira**: (looks around farm) _This place needs a good spring-cleaning…_

**Eragon**: Garrow! (sorts through the remains of the kitchen) (pulls kitchen sink off Garrow)

**Garrow**: (smoking) (burnt) (charred) (crispy)

**Eragon**: (sniffs) (scrunches up nose in disgust) Garrow, have you been eating rotten fruit again?

**Saphira**: (digs through rubble) (stares at Garrow) _I think it's dead…_ (sniffs body) (cringes) _It's dead…_ (nods)

**Eragon**: (glares) Don't _say_ that! Can you carry both of us to town?

**Saphira**: _If you think I'm going to play Clydesdale you've got another thing coming…_

**Eragon**: (bats eyelashes) _Please? For me?_

**Narrator**: And so she was hitched to a wagon, it was hard to drag the wagon town for the wheels were broken and it plowed a deep gash in the road. Not being able to go any further, but close enough to see town Saphira stopped…

**Saphira**: _Your turn!_ (quickly bites the leather straps in two) _I can't carry him any longer and the road can't take it either. Bye!_ (ditches Eragon) (flies off into the sky)

**Eragon**: (stands) (winces) _Bloody Dragon…_

**_Eragon's_** **_Legs_**: (in extreme pain)

**Eragon**: (glares at sky) _Fine_! I have to do _everything_ myself… (pulls Garrow off the wagon)

**_Eragon's_** **_Stomach_**: (HUNGRY!!!)

**Eragon**: (pulls Garrow toward town with much difficulty) How can you weigh so much!? You're charred crispy! (stops and takes in a breath)

**_Eragon's_** **_Stomach_**: (_I'm going to eat myself now!!)_

**Eragon**: (sighs) (starts dragging Garrow again)

**_Eragon's_** **_Legs_**: (pain)

**_Blood_**: (trickling down legs)

**Eragon**: _OWWWCH_! (spots Brom)

**Brom**: (running toward him) (yelling incoherently) (waving arms wildly)

**_Brom's_** **_staff_**: (is flung to the ground)

**_Dried Blood:_** (caked on the side of Brom's head)

**Brom**: (grips Eragon's shoulders)

**Eragon**: (passes out)

**Narrator**: End chapter… (eyes Brom wearily) I think Brom has taken his coffee habit to a whole new level…


End file.
